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《妈妈为她离开我的那个女孩》

Mira wears the green-and-gold she chose to her adoption. She wears the amethyst I picked out at our wedding. She looked better in the green, of course. The cream lace dress she made for me is every bit as perfect as she said it would be. All the fabrics that I wanted for myself got vetoed. “You are not a summer, you’re an autumn. You can’t wear those dusty tones.” This is some kind of a system, an astrology for colors. Still, I like it. Summer is smoke in the air, thought-crushing heat. It’s fainting in the sun and burning yourself if you fall on the sidewalk. Autumn is reprieve. That’s what I hope I’ll be to her. 米拉穿着她选择给领养时穿的绿金相间的衣服。她穿着我在婚礼上为她挑选的紫水晶。当然，她穿绿色看起来更好。她为我做的奶油蕾丝连衣裙，正如她所说，每一分都完美。我想要的所有布料都被否决了。“你不是夏天，你是秋天。你不能穿那些灰蒙蒙的色调。”这似乎是一种体系，一种关于颜色的占星术。尽管如此，我还是喜欢。夏天是空气中的烟雾，令人窒息的热。是阳光下昏倒，是在人行道上摔倒时把自己烧伤。秋天是宽恕。这就是我希望成为她的样子。

We weren’t allowed to invite anyone. Nobody’s supposed to know what CEOs of Griffin look like, because then someone might recognize her clone. She’s invited the people who’re in on the secret, but they all seem more like underlings than friends. None of them bother to talk to us, but we still have to keep up appearances. 我们不被允许邀请任何人。没人应该知道格里芬的首席执行官长什么样，因为那样可能会有人认出她的克隆体。她邀请了那些知道内情的人，但他们看起来更像是下属而不是朋友。他们都不屑于和我们交谈，但我们仍然不得不维持表面上的和谐。

Mira is the picture of a happy bride. I never knew she was so good at acting. We dance, we lean our heads together, I kiss her even when nobody’s looking, except, probably, a camera. We say “I love you,” and she sounds just like she means it. I quiver whenever her hand touches mine, my whole skin is embarrassed being next to her. I know all these people are wondering why she’d want someone like me. It wouldn’t matter what they thought, if only she really did. 米拉是幸福新娘的典范。我从来不知道她这么擅长演戏。我们跳舞，我们靠在一起，我甚至在没人看着的时候吻她，除了，也许，一个摄像机。我们说“我爱你”，她听起来就像真的这么认为。每当她的手碰到我的手时，我就会颤抖，我的整张皮肤因为靠近她而感到羞愧。我知道所有这些人都在想她为什么想要像我这样的人。如果她真的这么做了，他们怎么想都无所谓。

That night we share a bed, of course. She switches the light off, so the cameras can’t see us as well. Then she turns onto her side and kisses me. She puts a hand against my collarbone, then moves it down. She does like to keep her hands busy. I guess so do I. I know this is because of pity, or to make the marriage look convincing to my mother. But she’s lovely in the dark, the way she feels against me. I wish I could believe she wanted me, but for a little while I let myself pretend. 那天晚上我们当然同睡一张床。她关掉灯，这样摄像机就看不我们那么清楚。接着她侧过身来吻我。她一只手抵着我的锁骨，然后向下移动。她喜欢让手不停地忙碌。我想我也是。我知道这是出于怜悯，或者为了让婚姻对我母亲显得真实。但在黑暗中她很迷人，她靠在我身上的感觉。我希望我能相信她想要我，但有一小会儿我允许自己假装。

There’s a meal she’s been wanting to make for a while. She chopped up cabbage weeks ago in preparation, bathed it in brine in a jar that she’d boiled, aged it on the counter. Now the homemade sauerkraut is in the fridge and we have all the vegetables we need, leftover chicken stock that needs to be used up, plenty of ground beef and even some butter and pork. Tonight’s the night. Mostly I cook the meal at her direction so she can stay off her feet, except that I have no idea how to make pie crust, so she does that sitting at the kitchen table. Meanwhile I cut up fresh cabbage to combine with sauerkraut in the soup. It seems like something you would only make because you got a lot of cabbage cheap, and I’m not expecting much, but it tastes wonderful—sour, but also a little bit sweet from the carrots. Then instead of bread with soup like usual, I get a mouthful of the meat and buttery crust. 她一直想做一道菜。几周前，她就开始准备，把卷心菜切碎，用她煮开的罐子泡盐水，放在桌子上发酵。现在自制酸菜在冰箱里，我们有了所有需要的蔬菜，还有要吃掉的剩鸡汤，足够的碎牛肉，甚至还有黄油和猪肉。今晚就是了。我基本上按照她的指示做饭，这样她就能少走动，不过我不知道怎么做派皮，所以她坐在厨房桌子旁做。与此同时，我切了新鲜的卷心菜，准备和酸菜一起做汤。这看起来像是只有在买了很多便宜的卷心菜时才会做的菜，我本来没抱太大期望，但它尝起来太棒了——酸，但胡萝卜也带来一丝甜味。然后，我不用像往常那样配面包吃汤，而是吃了一口肉和黄油派皮。

“This is so rich,” I tell her. “I feel like a queen.” “太丰盛了，”我对她说。“我感觉自己像女王。”

“I always felt that way when I was little.” “我小时候总是这么觉得。”

So probably her real mom or her dad made this. I don’t think she likes to talk about them, so I don’t press for details. I wish I could know everything about her, but it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is this time, us here together, an interlude with no beginning that will never end. 所以可能她的亲生妈妈或者爸爸做的。我不觉得她喜欢谈论他们，所以我不追问细节。我多希望了解她的一切，但真的不重要。重要的是这次，我们在一起，一个没有开始也永远不会结束的间歇。

But her belly’s getting bigger, and sometimes reality leaks in. After dinner she picks up her sewing, but her mind keeps wandering. I see her looking at the bookshelf where we keep our wedding present from her mother, the only one we got—we wouldn’t have been allowed to take anything else with us, after the baby was born. A pile of old board games that her mother told us were the Founder’s, then her grandmother’s, then hers. She gave them to us in the reception hall after the other guests had left. Mira carefully removed the wrapping paper and held up a box, admiring its condition. “You must have been very careful with your things.” 但她的肚子越来越大了，有时现实会渗入。晚饭后她拿起针线活，但思绪总飘忽不定。我看到她在看那个我们放结婚礼物的书架，那是她妈妈送的，我们唯一得到的——孩子出生后，我们是不被允许带走任何其他东西的。一堆积木游戏，她妈妈告诉我们是创始人的，然后是她祖母的，再然后是她的。她在宾客离开后的大厅里把它们送给了我们。米拉小心翼翼地拆开包装纸，举起一个盒子，欣赏它的状况。“你一定非常小心地保管你的东西。”

“We were, as children go,” her mother said. “But parts have been replaced as needed.” “孩子们都是这样，”她妈妈说。“但有些部分根据需要被替换了。”

Now they’re in a loose stack on the shelf, bright-colored boxes, long and flat. Mira can’t stop being distracted by them. Finally she says, “Do you want to try one?” 现在它们松散地堆在架子上，色彩鲜艳的盒子，又长又平。米拉无法停止被它们吸引。最后她说：“你想试试吗？”

“Sure,” I say, although I don’t. “当然，”我说，尽管其实不然。

I just pick the one on the top of the pile. We take it to the table, assemble the board, read part of the instructions and give up, then start to play. Parents and children are pink and blue pegs slotted into the outside of old cars, and their colors never change. We both get educations and houses, we pile up money just by moving forward. At first it just seems stupid, then it starts to feel like a sick joke. We’re supposed to count up all our assets at the end and figure out who won, but we don’t have the heart. 我只是拿了堆在最上面的那一个。我们把它拿到桌子上，组装好棋盘，读了一部分说明书就放弃了，然后开始玩。父母和孩子是粉红色和蓝色的木桩，插在旧汽车的外面，它们的颜色永远不会改变。我们都会得到教育和房子，我们只是向前移动就能积累金钱。一开始这看起来很愚蠢，然后它开始感觉像一个病态的玩笑。我们本应该最后计算所有的资产，找出谁赢了，但我们没有这个心情。

“It’s colorful and things are happening all the time,” she says. “Our daughter will like it.” “它色彩鲜艳，而且事情一直在发生，”她说。“我们的女儿会喜欢的。”

“We’re going to get sick of it, aren’t we?” “我们会厌烦它的，不是吗？”

“I don’t know. It’s different with a child, don’t you think? They’re having fun, so you have fun.” “我不知道。和孩子不一样，你不觉得吗？他们玩得开心，你也就开心。”

“Maybe.” I imagine our daughter, a little brown-haired girl in a blue dress, leaning in over the board to move a car three squares. Excited, she demands more money from the bank. She’s probably already winning. What lies are we telling her that day? What are we trying to make her be? “也许吧。”我想象着我们的女儿，一个留着棕色头发的女孩，穿着蓝色连衣裙，俯身越过棋盘，将一辆小车移动了三个格子。她兴奋地要求从银行里再要更多钱。她可能已经赢了。那天我们对她说的是什么谎言？我们试图让她成为什么样的人？

“Anyway,” Mira says, putting the lid on the box, “a baby could choke on those cars. It’ll have to be put away until she’s old enough. Probably all of them will.” “总之，”米拉盖上盒子的盖子说，“婴儿可能会被这些小车噎住。得收起来，等她大点了再说。可能所有这些都要收起来。”

I understand what she’s saying. When we move into our new apartment, we’ll put the games up on the top shelf of our closet, and this one will never find its way back down again. Mira and I work well together in this way, I think. Even if she’ll never love me, she can be my co-conspirator. Together we can hollow out a little space where things make sense. 我明白她的意思。当我们搬进新公寓时，我们会把游戏放到衣柜的最上层架子上，而这一个就再也不会被拿下来了。我想，米拉和我在这方面配合得很好。即使她永远不会爱我，她也可以做我的同谋。我们一起能在某个小角落里，让事情变得有意义。

Mira’s due in sixteen days the night that her phone wakes us. She picks it up and listens. “Okay,” she says at last, and puts it down. 米拉在手机叫醒我们的那个晚上，还有十六天就要临盆了。她拿起手机听了一下。“好吧，”她最后说，然后把手机放下。

“Vega Corporation is invading the tower. My mother is dead. We should each pack a bag, and somebody will take us to safety.” “维加公司要攻占这座塔。我妈妈死了。我们应该各自收拾一个包，然后有人会带我们去安全的地方。”

We wait an hour and then the lock on the door clicks, making us jump. Nobody opens it. I go to answer, hoping it’s a guard, fearing it’s Vega soldiers. But the hall is empty. Nothing’s happened except that the door is unlocked and it won’t lock again. 我们等了一个小时，然后门锁发出咔哒声，让我们吓了一跳。没人开门。我去开门，希望是守卫，又怕是维加公司的士兵。但走廊空荡荡的。除了门没锁上，不会再有其他事情发生。

“I don’t think anyone’s coming to help us,” I say. “我不认为会有人来帮助我们，”我说。

We creep out into the hallway. The elevators are all dark, disabled. We go into the stairwell, sit on the landing and listen, and for a while it’s quiet. 我们蹑手蹑脚地溜进走廊。电梯全部熄了灯，停用了。我们走进楼梯间，坐在平台上，静静地听着，有一段时间里很安静。

Vega’s CEOs are clones too, but they raise their own successors. Mira’s mother says they get weirder and stupider with every generation. I guess they haven’t gotten stupider than Griffin yet, because it seems like they won easily. That’s the only reason for the doors to be unlocked: they’ve finished off the guards and now they’re going through the building floor by floor. They don’t want there to be anywhere to hide. 维加的首席执行官们也是克隆人，但他们自己培养后继者。米拉的妈妈说他们每一代都变得越来越奇怪和愚蠢。我想他们还没比格里芬更愚蠢，因为他们看起来轻易就赢了。这就是门为什么没锁的唯一原因：他们已经消灭了守卫，现在正逐层通过这座大楼。他们不希望有任何藏身之处。

Finally we hear steps and shouts, far below, and a sound like a door being kicked open. They’re pacifying another level. There’s shooting right away and it goes on in bursts for a long time. 最后我们听到远处楼下传来脚步声和喊叫声，还有像是门被踢开的声音。他们在安抚另一个楼层。枪声立刻就响了起来，断断续续地持续了很长时间。

Maybe some fools are doing a last stand down there, but I don’t think so. I think Vega is killing everyone. No hope of getting past them—they won’t leave any exits unguarded. 也许下面有些傻瓜正在进行最后的抵抗，但我认为不是。我认为维加正在杀死所有人。不可能越过他们——他们不会留下任何未守卫的出口。

“We have to go up,” I tell her. “There’s something we can use up there.” “我们必须上去，”我告诉她。“那里有我们可以用的东西。”

“How many floors?” “几楼？”

“I don’t know. I don’t know where it is, I just heard the guards talking about it.” “我不知道。我不知道它在哪儿，我只是听到守卫们谈论它。”

“Okay.” She doesn’t press for details, she just trusts me. I’ve done nothing to deserve that. I should tell her what I’m looking for at least, but I don’t want to think about it. “好的。”她没有追问细节，她只是信任我。我并没有做任何值得她信任的事。我至少应该告诉她我在找什么，但我不想去想。

She starts up the stairs, slow but steady. I follow after with both bags. I’m afraid we’re going to die because her footsteps are so heavy and her breathing is so loud, but apart from that she doesn’t make a sound. 她开始走上楼梯，慢而稳。我跟着她，手里提着两个包。我害怕我们会死，因为她的脚步声那么沉重，呼吸声那么响亮，但除此之外，她没有发出任何声音。

There are cameras in the stairwell, probably, though nothing big enough to see. Vega disabled all the locks, they probably have access to look through them. If they see us, I’m no one and not worth coming after, but I’m sure they would rather not have an heir running around. On the other hand, we’re moving slowly, and they won’t think there’s any way we can escape up there. A pregnant woman trudging up the stairs toward a dead end doesn’t cry out for a strike force. At least that’s what I have to hope. 楼梯间里可能有摄像头，虽然可能不够大能看清。维加关闭了所有的锁，他们很可能有权限查看。如果我们被他们看到，我什么都不是，不值得他们追捕，但我确信他们宁愿不要一个继承人到处乱跑。另一方面，我们移动得很慢，他们不会认为有任何可能逃上去。一个孕妇艰难地走上楼梯，走向死胡同，不会呼救请求突击队。至少这是我必须抱有的希望。

We make it to the next floor. Mira rests on the landing, I go in to scout. It’s not what I’m looking for and it’s deserted. Anybody who was working late here must have fled while we were still waiting for help, or else they’re hiding. 我们到达了下一层楼。米拉在平台休息，我进去侦察。这里不是我要找的地方，而且空无一人。这里任何加班工作的人一定在我们还在等待救援时逃离了，否则他们一定在躲藏。

Then we do it again, eight more times. Every time, I think Mira can’t possibly make it. She pants and leans hard on the railing, but keeps moving. I wish I could make this easier for her. All I can do is follow close and try to catch her if she falls. 然后我们再重复八次。每一次，我都觉得 Mira 不可能坚持下来。她气喘吁吁，紧紧抓住栏杆，但仍在继续前进。我真希望我能让她轻松一些。我唯一能做的，就是紧紧跟在她身后，万一她摔倒，我就能接住她。

On the third flight of stairs my ankle starts to ache—the revenge of a fracture that never quite healed right. I remember how my mother sang to me while I was stuck in bed. Every time we stop on a landing, I rub at the scar on my palm where I fell on a sharp rock when I was little. My mother cleaned the wound and kissed it better. 到了第三段楼梯，我的脚踝开始疼痛——这是当年没有完全愈合的骨折在报复。我记得小时候生病卧床时，妈妈曾为我唱歌。每次我们停在一层平台上，我都会揉搓手掌上的疤痕，那里是我小时候被尖锐的石头划伤留下的。妈妈清洗了伤口，然后亲了亲它，让它好起来。

On the ninth landing I open the door and I know right away. 到了第九层平台，我打开门，立刻就知道了。

The first room is male bodies and I back right out again. Not that, not for anything. In the next one they’re all female but for sex workers, I think—no powers I can use. We keep searching through a maze of rooms, all full of bodies lying in glass chambers. How close is Vega now, I wonder. 第一间房里全是男性身体，我立刻退了出去。不是那种，绝对不是。下一间房里全是女性，但我想是性工作者吧——没有我能利用的力量。我们在迷宫般的房间中继续寻找，每一间都充满了躺在玻璃室中的身体。维加现在离我们有多近，我不禁想。

The last room is the biggest and it has both men and women. I pick one and read the label. Stealth. Endurance. Agility. Perception. Strength. Precision. Electronic countermeasures. Gecko. Gecko is what sticks the guards’ feet to the skyways. But these aren’t guards—guards have maybe half that many powers. There are forty-eight bodies, enough for an invasion. Maybe Vega was smart to strike first. 最后一间房最大，里面既有男人也有女人。我选了一个，看了看标签。隐蔽。耐力。敏捷。感知。力量。精准。电子对抗。壁虎。壁虎能将守卫的脚粘在天桥上。但这些不是守卫——守卫的能力可能只有这些的一半。这里有四十八具身体，足够发动入侵。也许维加先发制人是对的。

Mira’s staring into a chamber as if a snake’s coiled up inside it. “I can’t,” she says. “I can’t leave the baby like that.” 米拉正盯着一个房间，仿佛里面盘踞着一条蛇。“我做不到，”她说。“我不能那样留下孩子。”

I know what she means. If she transfers her mind to another body, the baby will rot in the old one. She’s carried it inside her for most of nine months—of course she can’t leave it to die, even if it is the next edition of our mother. In her place I’d feel the same way. 我明白她的意思。如果她将意识转移到另一个身体，孩子会在旧身体里腐烂。她怀胎九个月的大部分时间都带着它——当然她不会留下它去死，即使它只是我们母亲的下一代。换作是我，我也会一样。

“It’s okay,” I tell her. “You don’t have to. I’m going to change, then we’ll escape. You destroy all the rest of these bodies so no one can use them to come after us. It’s this switch here, under the flip-up cover. Then see if you can find a manual for these enhancements.” “没关系，”我告诉她。“你不用这样。我会改变，然后我们逃跑。你销毁所有这些身体，这样就没有人能用它们追击我们。这是这个开关，在掀盖下。然后看看你能不能找到这些增强功能的说明书。”

I look down at the nearest of them, lying in its chamber. It’s uncanny, with its empty face, its perfect body. After I’ve lived and worried and worked too much and hardly slept at all in it for a few months, maybe it will look less like a doll. 我低头看向其中最近的一个，它正躺在自己的房间里。它诡异得可怕，脸上空荡荡的，身体却完美无瑕。在我生活、担忧、工作了好几个月，几乎没怎么睡觉之后，也许它看起来就不会那么像一个洋娃娃了。

I don’t want to transfer. I want my body, with its scars and flaws. Even with the damage done by all those years of the wrong hormones. With all that, it’s still mine, it’s still me. But if I stay in my body I’ll die here and she will too. 我不想换身体。我想保留我的身体，连同它的伤疤和缺陷。即使那些年错误的荷尔蒙已经对它造成了损伤。即使有这一切，它仍然是我的，它仍然是我。但如果我留在我的身体里，我们都会死在这里。

“Is this what you want?” she says. “这就是你想要的吗？”她说。

“No. But it’s the only way.” “不。但这唯一的方法。”

“What if we surrender?” “如果我们投降呢？”

There’s no real hope in her voice. She knows as well as I do they’re not taking prisoners. I don’t want to say it, so I just shake my head. 她的声音里没有真正的希望。她和我一样清楚，他们不会留下俘虏。我不想说，于是我只是摇了摇头。

“Please,” she says, and tears are in her eyes. “I don’t want you to do this. You’re my wife, the way you are, I love you.” “求求你，”她说，眼睛里含着泪水。“我不想让你这样。你是我的妻子，现在的你，我爱你。”

She means it. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t be crying. Anyway nobody’s watching now, there isn’t any reason left to lie. She didn’t marry me out of pity—or not just. She really fell in love. 她是认真的。如果她不是，她就不会在哭。无论如何现在没人看着，也没有理由再撒谎。她不是出于怜悯嫁给我——或者说，不仅仅是因为怜悯。她真的爱上了我。

I don’t know why she would do something so stupid. But I’m going to save her and then maybe I’ll be worth it. 我不知道她为什么要做这么蠢的事。但我打算救她，也许这样我才会觉得值得。

“I have to,” I say, and I kiss her. I try to memorize what kissing her feels like in my real body. I focus on wanting to save her. Even if I can’t feel that anymore after the change, I might remember. “Help me pick one of these out.” “我必须这么做，”我说，然后吻了她。我试图记住在我真实身体里吻她是什么感觉。我专注于想要救她的念头。即使变化之后我可能再也无法感受到，但我或许还记得。“帮我选一个吧。”

She walks along the rows of bodies, stops with her hand on a chamber. Copper hair, skin like peaches and cream. The eyes are amber and stare up at nothing. They blink mechanically once, like a doll’s. If they didn’t, I guess, they’d dry out. 她沿着一排排身体走着，用手停在了一个隔间前。铜色的头发，皮肤像桃子和奶油。眼睛是琥珀色的，空洞地望着 nothing。它们机械地眨了一下，像玩偶一样。如果它们不眨的话，我猜，它们会干涸的。

“This one is beautiful,” she says. Her voice is hollow. “这个很漂亮，”她说。她的声音空洞。

I can’t bring myself to smile, but I agree. 我无法让自己微笑，但我同意。

I wake up and the room’s not full of soldiers. Mira isn’t dead, she’s here and crying. I want to comfort her, I want to protect her. I don’t dare try to touch her yet, because I think she’d flinch away. But I can feel things. I’m still me, I’m real inside this, it’s okay. 我醒来时，房间里没有士兵。米拉没有死，她在这里，正哭着。我想安慰她，我想保护她。我不敢现在碰她，因为我以为她会躲开。但我能感觉到。我还是我，我真实地存在于这里，这没关系。

Then I open up the side of the glass chamber and climb out, and everything is wrong. The body’s balance is off, its eyes are too high up. Even how my tongue feels in my mouth is strange and fake. I want to collapse to the floor, I want to lie down there and die. But I have to save Mira. 然后我打开玻璃舱的侧面爬出来，一切都错了。这具身体的平衡失调，它的眼睛位置太高。就连舌头在嘴里的感觉也奇怪而虚假。我想瘫倒在地，我想躺在那里死去。但我必须救米拉。

So this body doesn’t feel like me, so what. I felt that way at thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, most of sixteen. I was a brain cased in a robot, I pushed my body forward like a wheelbarrow, because I had to. I tuned out everything that hurt and made myself a perfect student, because if anybody could get hormones without parents or money to pay for them, it would be a high achiever, not a failure. I did that for almost four years, until my first shots of estrogen bathed me in calm, made me feel like a person. I can do it long enough to get us out of here. 所以这具身体不像是我，那又怎样。我在十三岁、十四岁、十五岁，以及大部分十六岁时都这样觉得。我是个装在机器人里的脑袋，像推独轮车一样推着身体前进，因为我必须这样做。我屏蔽掉所有让我痛苦的东西，让自己成为一个完美的学生，因为如果有人能在没有父母或钱的情况下获得荷尔蒙，那一定是个高成就者，而不是失败者。我这样做了将近四年，直到我第一次注射的雌激素让我平静下来，让我感觉自己像个真正的人。我可以坚持足够长的时间，带我们离开这里。

I make the body walk over to Mira. She’s found a manual, but it’s videos. There’s one about gecko, but the guards say that’s simple—the body’s made already knowing how to do it. I play the one on electronic countermeasures instead, because that sounds like it might help us against cameras. 我让身体走向米拉。她找到了一本手册，但里面全是视频。有一个关于壁虎的视频，但守卫说那很简单——身体被制造出来时就已经知道该怎么做。我播放了关于电子反制措施的视频，因为那听起来可能有助于我们对抗摄像头。

The first two minutes are on motivation. I skip forward and it’s talking about loyalty to Griffin. Another skip and it’s explaining that these countermeasures are new and a secret, so whatever you do, don’t get taken alive. Then it’s telling about how the technology was invented. We’re going to die before I get anything useful out of this. 前两分钟是关于动机的。我快进到后面，视频开始谈论对格里芬的忠诚。再快进一下，视频解释说这些反制措施是新的，也是秘密的，所以无论发生什么，都不要被活捉。接着视频讲述了这项技术的发明过程。在我能从这东西里得到任何有用的信息之前，我们就要死了。

“Let’s just go,” I say. It comes out high and thin, because I’m still trying to correct the too-deep pitch of my real body. I try to loosen up my vocal cords, remember how I used to talk, but don’t repeat the line. “我们走吧，”我说。声音又高又细，因为我还在努力纠正我真实身体声音过于深沉的问题。我试着放松声带，回想以前说话的方式，但不要重复那句话。

I go into my suitcase and pick out clothes I hope will look like office wear. I manage to get the bra on, stretching the band till the eyes barely capture the last set of hooks, but the fit is all wrong—the edges of the cups dig hard into my breasts, the band is nowhere near my sternum in the middle. The blouse gaps between buttons, too. I throw a jacket over it and hope no one will notice. I try on my old shoes, but they’re too big and they’d just slip off. Anyway, I’m going to need my feet bare soon. 我走进我的行李箱，挑出一些我希望看起来像办公服的衣服。我勉强把胸罩穿上，把带子拉到眼睛几乎看不到最后一排钩子，但合身度完全不对——杯垫边缘紧紧地勒着我的乳房，带子中间离我的胸骨远得很。衬衫的纽扣之间也空着。我套上一件夹克，希望没人会注意到。我试穿我的旧鞋子，但它们太大了，会直接滑掉。无论如何，我很快就需要赤脚了。

I’m afraid to see my old body, but it’s right there and I can’t help looking. I must have turned onto my side at the beginning of the transfer, while it was still like sleep, before it was like death. One leg is stretched out and one drawn up. My hair has curled unevenly, the way it does when I air-dry it, the way my mother’s did, and spread all over everywhere. It would need a lot of brushing out, if I woke up. I didn’t even get to look like Sleeping Beauty in the end, I just look like I passed out in there. I want to open up the chamber, touch my body’s face and stroke its tangled hair, but then I think maybe that’s morbid, and anyway we need to hurry. I just leave it behind. 我害怕看到我的旧身体，但它就在那里，我忍不住去看。我一定是转移开始时翻到了侧面，当时还像睡眠一样，还没到死亡的程度。一条腿伸直，一条腿蜷缩着。我的头发卷得不均匀，就像我自然晾干时那样，就像我母亲那样，散得到处都是。如果我醒来，需要好好梳理一番。我甚至没能像睡美人一样，最终看起来只是像在里面晕倒了。我想打开隔间，触摸我身体的脸，抚摸它缠乱的头发，但然后我想也许那太可悲了，而且无论如何我们都需要快点。我只是把它留在了那里。

At the door out to the stairwell, I think of the cameras again. The body’s made already knowing how to do it. I close my eyes and try to feel what this body wants from me. I see my right hand moving, flicking upward. I’m probably imagining it. But all I can do is try. 在通往楼梯间的门边，我又想到了那些摄像头。这具身体已经知道该怎么做。我闭上眼睛，试图感受这具身体想要从我这里得到什么。我看到我的右手在动，向上摆动了一下。我可能只是想象出来的。但我能做的只有尝试。

I push the door open a little, standing so my feet are hidden, and peek out. High on a wall I see a little winking light, a star. Is that what cameras look like to these eyes? I push my hand out through the gap. 我轻轻推开门，站得让脚部隐藏起来，向外窥视。在高高的墙上，我看到一点闪烁的光，像一颗星星。对这些眼睛来说，摄像头看起来就是这样吗？我伸出一只手，从缝隙中穿出去。

As the body makes the gesture I realize what it is. It’s the way you cup up water from a pool to splash someone in front of you. I went to a pool once, when I was little. There were public pools back then, it didn’t cost too much. And I was still wearing boy’s clothes, so I didn’t have to worry about what a girl’s swimsuit might show. I remember splashing some woman, my real mother, I guess. The memory is just a glimpse and I don’t really see her face, but who else would let me splash her. I feel something shiver in my chest and flow out through my fingers in a rush. The little winking light turns red and dull. 当这具身体做出这个动作时，我意识到这是什么。这是从水池中舀起水，向面前的人泼洒的方式。我小时候去过一次游泳池。那时候有公共游泳池，费用也不高。而且我还穿着男孩子的衣服，所以不用担心女式泳衣会展示什么。我记得泼溅过一个女人的水，我想是我的亲生母亲。这段记忆只是一个片段，我并没有真正看到她的脸，但还有谁会让我泼溅她的水。我感到胸腔中一阵颤抖，然后迅速从我的指尖流出来。那点闪烁的光变成了红色，然后暗淡下去。

“The cameras are disabled. Or deceived. I think.” “摄像头被关闭了。或者被欺骗了。我想。”

I push the door open slowly, and when another light appears I splash it right away. Would that gesture be the same for anyone, I wonder? Or did this body search my mind to find a memory of joy? 我缓缓推开门，当另一盏灯亮起时，我立刻泼了上去。我想，这样的举动对任何人来说都一样吗？还是说这具身体在我心中搜寻着快乐的记忆？

We go out on the landing. “Can I carry you?” I ask. 我们来到楼梯平台。“我可以抱你吗？”我问。

I’m so afraid she’s going to say no. But she’s figured out what’s coming, knows she’ll have to let me carry her soon anyway. So she just shrugs. “I don’t know, can you? We didn’t watch the strength video.” 我生怕她会拒绝。但她已经猜到即将发生的事情，知道迟早还是要让我抱她。于是她只是耸耸肩。“我不知道，你能吗？我们没看力量训练视频。”

I never picked up a person before, but I have an idea about how from somewhere, movies probably. I wrap one arm around her back and one behind her knees, and when I lift she just comes up. It isn’t like I’m strong, it’s like she’s light. She puts her arms around my neck, then winces and lets go. 我以前从未抱过人，但不知从哪里学来一些方法，可能是电影里看到的。我一只手臂绕过她的后背，另一只手臂绕过她的膝盖，当我抬起她时，她只是被提了起来。并不是因为我强壮，而是因为她很轻。她把手臂绕在我的脖子上，然后皱了皱眉，松开了手。

“I’m sorry,” I say, and start to put her down. “对不起，”我说，开始把她放下来。

“It’s just that my belly’s getting squished.” “只是我的肚子被挤得不舒服。”

I shift my arms and she says it’s better, but I think she’s still uncomfortable. She should have had more time to get used to this body before she had to touch it. 我挪动了一下手臂，她说这样好些了，但我认为她仍然不舒服。她应该有更多时间来适应这个身体，然后再触摸它。

We have to leave the suitcases behind. Our wedding dresses are inside those. My real body is still lying in the leaving-chamber. Vega will paw through it all, but by that time we’ll be gone. 我们必须把行李箱留下。我们的婚纱就在里面。我的真实身体还在告别室里。Vega 会翻遍所有东西，但到那时我们早就离开了。