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《妈妈为她离开我的那个女孩》

“Do you want to keep this baby?” I ask her as we’re going up the stairs. “你想留下这个孩子吗？”我一边上楼梯一边问她。

She doesn’t complain that I’m talking about the future while we’re running for our lives. I think maybe this was on her mind too. 她没有抱怨我在逃命时还谈论未来。我想也许这也在她的心里。

“If we leave her at a hospital or something, Vega could find her and kill her. We have to keep her hidden. And she’s been inside me all this time, I can’t help loving her.” “如果我们把她留在医院或者什么地方的話，维加会找到她并杀了她。我们必须把她藏起来。而且她一直在我肚子里，我忍不住爱她。”

“Your mother put her in you. She made you feel that way.” “你妈妈把你放在了你肚子里。她让你这样感觉的。”

“I know,” she says, but the way she says it, I can tell she means “that doesn’t matter.” Then she adds, “Anyway, I couldn’t bring myself to make someone an orphan,” and I know that I can’t either, and that’s all there is to say. “我知道，”她说，但她说话的方式让我明白她的意思是“那不重要。”接着她又补充道，“反正，我无法让自己对一个孩子造成孤儿。”我知道我也做不到，这就够了。

Outside, the skyway wraps around the building so the guards can patrol everything, just like on every floor. On this one there’s a bridge ahead, a long and narrow path, unlit. The skyways are built on a framework of steel, but the surface is glass, polished smooth and slick, with no sides and no handrails. No one without gecko could use them to attack the central tower. But if one of the satellite towers gets invaded, guards can run across them from the main one to defend. 外面，天桥环绕着建筑物，以便卫兵可以巡逻一切，就像每一层一样。在这一层前面有一座桥，一条又长又窄的小径，没有灯光。天桥建在钢铁框架上，但表面是玻璃，光滑而湿滑，没有边缘也没有扶手。没有壁虎的人无法利用它们攻击中央塔。但如果卫星塔之一被入侵，卫兵可以从主塔跑过它们来防守。

This bridge goes to the southwest tower, which is Marketing. I’m betting that it’s safer than the one we’re in. Who’d bother doing an armed incursion on a Marketing department? 这座桥通往西南塔，即市场部。我打赌那里比我们现在所在的地方更安全。谁会费心对一个市场部进行武装突袭呢？

“You’ll have to hold on with both hands for this part. Press against me and keep your eyes closed.” “这一段你需要双手紧握。靠着我，闭上眼睛。”

I walk in place for a few steps, feeling how my feet stick, testing how the bond gets firmer when I press down, weakens when I rock my foot forward. Then I step out into the cold. The tower is swaying in the wind. The guards say Griffin’s towers are the most stable ever built, and I guess the range of motion’s not that big really, but I still feel like it’s trying to throw me off. I’m terrified and so is Mira—I can feel the tension in her body. “It’s okay,” I tell her. The voice that comes out doesn’t sound like it’s okay. I wish this body was made knowing how to lie better. 我原地走了几步，感受着双脚的黏滞感，测试着当我用力踩下时绑带会变得多紧，当我把脚向前晃动时会变得多松。然后我迈步走进了寒风中。高塔在风中摇曳。卫兵说格里芬建造的塔是最稳固的，我想它的活动范围其实并不大，但我仍然觉得它想把我甩下去。我害怕极了，米拉也一样——我能感受到她身体里的紧张感。“没事，”我告诉她。但发出的声音听起来一点也不像没事。真希望这具身体知道如何更好地撒谎。

Our tower is swaying and Marketing is swaying out of time with it. The bridge between them slips and shifts, pulls away and comes close again. It has to—if the bridges were fused rigidly, the movement of the towers would snap them. I watch the bridge until I’ve learned the rhythm of it, then step out and stick my foot down, pull the other one after it quickly. My grip on Mira is too tight. She doesn’t seem to mind. 我们的塔在摇曳，市场部门也随着它一起脱节。它们之间的桥梁滑动、变换位置，时而远离，时而靠近。这是必须的——如果桥梁被刚性固定，塔的运动会将它们折断。我观察着桥梁，直到学会了它的节奏，然后迈步出去，迅速把另一只脚也踩下去。我对米拉的抓握太紧了。她似乎并不介意。

The bridge is only wider than my shoulders by a little, and carrying Mira I can’t see my feet at all. I still feel unstable and off balance, my legs are too long, I’m going to topple even without the wind’s help. How did I give up my trans body for this perfect female doll and manage to be taller than before? I keep my eyes on the opposite end of the bridge and feel my way with my feet. 桥面只比我的肩膀宽了一点点，背着米拉我根本看不到自己的脚。我依然感觉不稳，东倒西歪，我的腿太长了，没有风帮忙我都要摔倒了。我怎么会为了这个完美的女性娃娃放弃我的跨性别身份，还变得比以前更高了？我盯着桥的另一头，用脚摸索着前进。

It’s a cold night. There are heating coils beneath the glass, but Vega didn’t turn them on. By the midway point my feet are freezing, starting to get tingly—I’m afraid they’ll go numb and I’ll fall off. 这是一个寒冷的夜晚。玻璃下有加热线圈，但维加没有打开它们。走到桥中间时我的脚已经冻僵了，开始发麻——我怕它们会失去知觉，然后从桥上摔下去。

Then I put my right foot down and there’s nothing underneath the edge of it but empty space. I freeze, then shift my weight back slowly, plant the foot back in a safer spot. I can’t bring myself to take another step. 然后我放下右脚，发现脚尖边缘下面只有空荡荡的空间。我僵住了，然后慢慢地把重心移回去，把脚重新踩在一个安全的地方。我无法让自己再迈出下一步。

If I fall off, it won’t just be some doll I’m piloting that shatters on the pavement. It will be me—I feel that in my bones now. Wrong and awkward, artificial, but still me. Fear shows me that, and I know fear is telling me the truth. 如果我摔下去，摔碎的不会只是一个我操控的娃娃，而是我——我现在感觉到了。错误而笨拙，人造的，但仍然是我。恐惧让我看清了这一点，我知道恐惧在告诉我真相。

“Just keep going,” Mira says into my shoulder. “Don’t look down.” “继续往前走，”米拉靠在我的肩膀上说。“别往下看。”

“I can’t, you’re in the way of down.” “我做不到，你挡住了往下看。”

She makes a noise that’s kind of like a laugh. I’m freezing everywhere except the part she’s pressed against. I focus on that part and let the body’s feet think for me. 她发出一种有点像笑声的声音。除了她按住的那部分，我全身都冻僵了。我集中注意力在那部分，让身体的脚替我思考。

Finally we’re at the door to the Marketing tower. I let her legs drop down, smack my hand against the door and stick it there. For a moment I just breathe. Her feet are on the slick glass, but she’s pinned against the closed door by my body, held up by my arm, safe inside a cage of me. This isn’t the body she loves, but it’s the one that can protect her. She doesn’t try to shrink away. 最后我们到了市场大楼的门。我让她腿掉下来，用手拍打门，把它卡在门上。有那么一瞬间，我只是呼吸。她的脚踩在光滑的玻璃上，但我的身体把她按在关闭的门上，我的手臂支撑着她，她安全地待在我组成的笼子里。这不是她喜欢的身体，但这是能保护她的身体。她没有试图缩回去。

Inside, the elevators are alive, but I tell Mira it’s too dangerous. “The door could open on anything.” 电梯里面似乎有生命，但我告诉米拉这太危险了。“门可能会在任何东西上打开。”

“You cannot carry me down a hundred flights of stairs.” “你不能背我下百层楼梯。”

“I think maybe I can.” “我想我或许可以。”

“Even if you don’t pass out, my spine would never be the same.” “就算你没昏过去，我的脊椎也永远会不一样。”

So I stick a hand inside the elevator, splash imaginary water all around, and we get in. The whole back wall is a mirror, so I can’t help seeing the body I’m wearing. Of course I’m beautiful—a little bit too much so to be natural. I look right, next to Mira. People will believe she married me on purpose. Nobody will guess I’m trans now, nobody will ever think She’s poor, or she’d have gotten a new body. Then she’d look like a real woman. 所以我把手伸进电梯里，假装在周围溅起水花，然后我们进去了。整个后墙都是镜子，我忍不住看到自己身上的身体。当然我很美——美得有点不自然。我向右看，旁边是米拉。人们会相信她是故意嫁给我的。没有人会猜到我现在是跨性别者，没有人会永远认为她很穷，不然她早就换了个新身体了。那样她才会像个真正的女人。

I turn toward the door right away, avoiding the sight of myself, but the picture is still in my head and I have the whole ride down to think about it. It comes to me that maybe I won’t always hate this, being perfect. Maybe hating it is one more thing I’ll lose. 我立刻转向门，避开看到自己的视线，但画面仍然在我脑海里，我在整个车程中都在思考这件事。我突然想到，也许我总有一天不会一直讨厌这种完美。也许讨厌它，是我会失去的又一件事。

We get out on the second floor. I carry her to the very bottom of the stairs. I don’t have a plan for this part. I push the door open an inch, spot a camera and splash it, then push it a little more. 我们在二楼下车。我把她一直抱到楼梯底部。这一部分我没有计划。我推开门一英寸，发现一个摄像头就朝它溅了一口水，然后又推开了点。

I can see a station with two Griffin guards. Not enhanced I think, just guys in uniforms to check IDs. Does Marketing even know we’ve been invaded? They might let us walk out—you don’t need an ID to leave a building. If not, this body’s strong enough to knock them out. I hope it was made knowing how to throw a punch. 我能看到一个有两个狮鹫守卫的站口。我想它们没有强化，只是穿着制服检查身份证件。市场部的人甚至知道我们被入侵了吗？他们可能会让我们走——离开建筑物不需要身份证件。如果不行，这具身体足够强壮可以打晕它们。希望它是知道如何出拳制作的。

I ease the door shut, lean my head close to hers, and whisper. “You’re in labor, we’re both freaking out, a car is waiting for us outside. No matter what they say, keep moving toward the door.” 我轻轻关上门，把头靠近她的，低声说。“你临盆了，我们都很慌乱，外面有车在等我们。无论他们说什么，都要朝着门的方向移动。”

She nods like this is normal. It feels that way to me too. Trying stupid desperate plans and hoping not to die is just our life now. 她像这样点头，好像这是正常的事。对我来说也感觉是这样。尝试愚蠢绝望的计划，希望不要死，就是我们现在的生活。

I crack open the door, just enough to make sure the guards aren’t looking this way. Then I put my arm and shoulder through the gap. I skim the surface of the pool in a big arc, sending a wave out in every direction, feeling the power flow from inside me, and just for a moment it feels like joy. Then I’m back to being terrified, which is good because I won’t have to do any acting. We burst through the door and make for the lobby. She’s walking like it hurts her, I’m supporting her on one side. 我稍微打开门，确保守卫没有注意到这边。然后我把手臂和肩膀从缝隙中伸出去。我在池面上划出一个大的弧线，向四面八方激起波浪，感受着从身体内部涌出的力量，就在那一刻，感觉到了快乐。然后我又回到了恐惧中，这很好，因为我不用再表演了。我们冲出大门，朝着大厅跑去。她走路像是很疼，我一边搀扶着她。

“Did our car come?” she asks. There’s panic in her voice. Of course the guards don’t know the answer, they’re not there to keep track of cars. They look startled and don’t try to stop us. “我们的车到了吗？”她问。她的声音里充满了恐慌。当然，卫兵们不知道答案，他们不是来跟踪车辆的。他们看起来很吃惊，并没有试图阻止我们。

We turn toward the doors and there are Vega soldiers, four of them, sitting in chairs on both sides. Enhanced. They’re going to notice my bare feet, how can they not. If they figure out I’m gecko then we’re dead. I’m her wife, she started bleeding, I ran out without my shoes, I think, hoping it will somehow translate into body language.The nearest one is standing up. I don’t know what to do, but I told Mira to keep moving and that’s what she does, so I go with her. The soldier takes a step closer to the door we’re headed toward. Then he holds it open. 我们转向门口，看到维加士兵们坐在两侧的椅子上，一共有四个，他们都经过了强化。他们会注意到我的光脚，怎么可能不注意到。如果他们发现我是壁虎人，我们就死定了。我是她的妻子，她开始流血了，我赤脚跑了出来，我想，希望这能以某种方式转化为肢体语言。离我们最近的一个士兵站了起来。我不知道该做什么，但我告诉米拉继续前进，她确实这样做了，所以我跟着她。那个士兵向我们要去的门靠近了一步。然后他打开了门。

“There it is!” I shout, and point at nothing down the street, away from the main tower. We hurry that way. I don’t dare look around, but I can’t hear anyone following. “在那里！”我喊道，指向街道下方，远离主塔。我们急忙朝那个方向走去。我不敢回头，但我听不到任何人跟着。

So now we’re free. I did it, we got away. I feel light, like anything is possible, these city streets could take us anywhere. But then the triumph fades into a chill. We’re all alone and we have nothing, no one we can turn to. We’re out here on the street exposed to cameras. Vega will find us anytime they figure out they want us. I took this body for one purpose and that’s done now. Now I don’t know what I’m for. 所以我们现在自由了。我做到了，我们逃出来了。我感觉很轻松，好像什么都是可能的，这些城市街道可以带我们去任何地方。但随后，胜利的喜悦渐渐变成了寒意。我们孤身一人，一无所有，没有可以求助的人。我们就在街头暴露在镜头下。威加随时会发现我们，只要他们意识到想要找到我们。我取用这具身体只有一个目的，现在这个目的已经完成了。现在我不知道自己是为了什么。

We’re just walking, trying to put more distance between us and Griffin. I wish my feet weren’t cold again. I wish I dared to pick her up and run, but someone might be watching from a window, or through a security camera. We’re conspicuous enough as it is. 我们只是走着，试图让我们和格里芬之间保持更多的距离。我希望我的脚不要再次变冷。我希望我有勇气抱起她逃跑，但可能有人正从窗户里看着，或者通过监控摄像头看着。我们已经是足够显眼了。

“I don’t know what to do,” I tell her. “我不知道该怎么办，”我告诉她。

“Just find a way to get us out of here,” she says. “I have a plan.” She’s breathing hard again, and can’t walk very fast. I don’t know how much more of this she can take. “只要找个办法让我们离开这里就行，”她说。“我有个计划。”她又开始喘气了，而且走得很慢。我不知道她还能忍受多少这种事情。

The streets are dead this time of night—no people and no vehicles, nothing that can help us. Nothing but corporate towers in every direction. I wish this body was made knowing how to find a bus. 夜幕降临，街道死寂——没有行人，没有车辆，没有任何能帮到我们的东西。四面八方只有林立的企业大楼。真希望这具身体知道如何找到一辆公交车。

Finally we come upon a whole block lined with empty taxis on both sides. It’s eerie. I can’t help feeling they’re a herd that’s going to stampede when we get too close, or flick away all in the same direction like a school of fish. But they’re just drones, brought here by some algorithm to wait until demand increases. 终于，我们来到一个街区，两侧停满了空出租车。气氛诡异。我不禁觉得，当我们靠得太近时，它们会像一群即将冲撞的羚羊，或者像一整群鱼突然朝同一个方向游走。但它们只是无人机，被某种算法送到这里，等待需求增加。

“I don’t have any money,” I realize. “My wallet’s still on my old body.” “我没有钱，”我意识到。“我的钱包还在我的旧身体上。”

“I have a cash card a friend gave me that’s in her name. She thought the idea of raising a clone baby to replace the CEO was sick and I might have to run.” “我有一张现金卡，是朋友给我的，上面写的是她的名字。她觉得用克隆婴儿来取代 CEO 的想法很变态，我可能得逃走。”

“It was sick and we do have to run.” “这太糟糕了，我们确实得跑。”

“I’m sure she’ll put us up tonight, probably until the baby’s born. She might need to yell at me a little first.” “我肯定她会留我们住一晚，可能直到孩子出生。她可能得先对我大吼几声。”

“You’re a desperate pregnant woman fleeing a war. People aren’t allowed to yell at you.” “你是个在战争中逃亡的绝望孕妇。人们不允许对你大吼。”

“You’re right, she’ll probably yell at you instead.” “你说的对，她可能会对你大吼。”

We’re supposed to touch the cash card to the door to make it open. As an experiment I splash some water on the lock instead. It opens and the drone asks where we want to go. This way we’ll be harder to trace. 我们本该将现金卡贴在门上才能打开。我试着用水泼了泼锁试试。门开了，无人机问我们要去哪里。这样我们就不容易被追踪了。

The cab pulls out, a silent chariot. Soon we’re in a part of town where there are lighted signs, things on a human scale. We’re getting away. Mira leans in and puts her head against my shoulder. I stroke her hair and she melts into me. I guess after I carried her, my body feels familiar to her now. More familiar than everything else ahead of us, at least. 出租车开走了，一辆无声的车。很快我们就来到了镇上灯光亮起的区域，一切都按人的尺度来。我们正在逃脱。米拉靠过来，把头靠在我的肩膀上。我抚摸她的头发，她融化在我怀里。我想，在我抱着她之后，我的身体对她来说已经变得熟悉了。至少比我面前的一切都更熟悉。

“You’ll stay with me, won’t you?” she murmurs. “你会一直和我在一起，对吗？”她低语道。

“Always,” I say, and it feels so good. But I can’t help thinking of what always looks like. We’re going to raise her mother’s clone in poverty, just like we promised to. We’re gliding back into the same cage we were headed for, only without the guarantee of safety and enough to eat.
“永远，”我说，这感觉真好。但我忍不住想起那些看起来总是如此的东西。我们要在贫困中养育她母亲的克隆体，就像我们承诺的那样。我们正滑回那个我们即将面临的牢笼，只是没有了安全和充足食物的保证。

“Hey,” she says, tugging on the lapel of my jacket to get my attention and looking up at my face. “It’s okay. You did it, we’re safe, you can rest now.” “嘿，”她说着，拽了拽我的夹克领子吸引我的注意，抬头看着我脸。“没事。你做到了，我们安全了，现在可以休息了。”

I feel a wave of relief. Not because I believe for a second we’re safe. Because she knew what I was feeling, even if she didn’t quite know why. Because even in this shell, this armor suit, she understands that I need comfort too. 我感到一阵宽慰。不是因为我真的相信我们安全了。而是因为她知道我在感受什么，即使她不太明白为什么。即使在这样坚硬的外壳里，这身盔甲中，她也明白我同样需要安慰。

“I love you,” she says. It sounds just like it did before, when I didn’t believe her but it was true. “我爱你，”她说。听起来和以前一样，那时候我不相信，但它是真的。

I remember I’m supposed to say “I love you” back, and so I do, although I think it’s pretty obvious. 我记得我应该回一句“我爱你”，于是我就说了，尽管我觉得这很明显。

She sits up, wincing, and pulls my head to her. She brushes my tears away and kisses me. “It’s going to come out fine. With what your body can do, you’ll get good work. I can probably get something. We’ll be all right, even with the baby.” 她坐起身，皱着眉，把我头拉近。她擦去我的眼泪，吻了我一下。“这会没事的。凭你身体能做的事，你一定能做出好成绩。我或许能找到些事做。有了孩子我们也会过得好的。”

“No. Listen.” I move close so our sides are pressed together and I take her hand. “We need to break out of the Griffin program every way we can. Like, tell our daughter a child-size amount of the truth about who she is, fill in details as soon as she’s ready for them.” “不。听我说。”我靠近她，让我们的身体紧贴在一起，握住她的手。“我们要用尽一切办法逃离格里芬计划。比如，告诉我们的女儿关于她身份的一些真相，等她准备好了就补充细节。”

“Of course, that’s better.” “当然，那样更好。”

“And we can’t just scrape by with corporate jobs. That’s what she wanted. So I’m going to be a thief.” “而且我们不能只靠企业工作过活。那是她想要的。所以我得当个小偷。”

“What?” “什么？”

“I’m going to steal from all these corporations. It’s perfect. The countermeasures in this body are brand-new, no one will be prepared for them except for Vega and whatever’s left of Griffin. I’ll stay away from those two. I can climb up the sides of buildings and confuse any cameras or drones they have watching. Their guards will be like toy soldiers compared to me—I don’t think this many powers have ever been stuffed into one body. The best part is, they’ll probably blame Vega.” “我要从这些公司里偷东西。这太完美了。这个身体的反制措施都是全新的，除了维加和格里芬剩下的那些人，没人会准备好。我会避开那两个人。我可以爬上建筑物的墙壁，迷惑他们所有的监控摄像头和无人机。他们的保镖对我来说就像玩具士兵——我不认为有这么多能力会被塞进一个身体里。最棒的是，他们很可能会怪维加。”

She thinks about it for a long time. “It’s a good job for raising a child,” she says. “You’ll be home all day. Away one night every couple of weeks, maybe?” 她思考了很久。“这是个抚养孩子的好工作，”她说。“你整天都会在家。每隔几周出去一晚，也许？”

“Maybe even less.” “甚至可能更少。”

“What will you steal?” “你要偷什么？”

“Bodies, if we can figure out how to keep them alive until we sell them. If not, maybe equipment. Anything I can carry.” “身体，如果我们能想出办法让它们活着直到我们卖掉它们。如果不行，也许设备。任何我能携带的东西。”

“We should brainstorm targets, and I’ll do the research.” “我们应该一起想出目标，我来做研究。”

“We’ll have to do it fast. We need money for a place where we can raise a child. And we need new ID right away.” “我们必须快点做。我们需要钱来买一个能抚养孩子的地方。而且我们需要立刻拿到新的身份证。”

She nods at that. I hope she’s up to this, I hope I am. It’s one thing not to want to let a baby die, another to love her and care for her. We’ll have to learn to see her for who she is, not who she looks like or what her genes want her to be. 她对此点头。我希望她能应付得了这个，我希望我也能。不希望让一个婴儿死去是一回事，而爱她、照顾她又是另一回事。我们必须学会看她是谁，而不是她看起来像什么，或者她的基因想让她成为什么样的人。

Mira lays her hand against her belly. She strokes it soothingly, like you would comfort someone who’s been hurt. Mira 将手放在肚子上。她温柔地抚摸着，就像安慰一个受伤的人那样。

“It’s okay,” she whispers to the baby. “It’s over. This time will be different.” 她轻声对宝宝说：“没关系，结束了。这次会不同的。”