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《水：一段历史》 The planet of Quányuán is arid to the point of being uninhabitable. Wetness is a concept left back on Earth. That doesn’t stop one elderly woman from stepping outside the… 全元星的干旱程度已达到无法居住的地步。湿润是一个被遗留在地球上的概念。但这并没有阻止一位老妇人走出……

BY KJ KABZA | PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 9, 2019

Her bath is deep and steaming. Light falls from the high windows, splashing the marble with wealth. My grandmother has opened these windows a crack, and wet spring air slithers in. 她的浴缸又深又冒着热气。光线从高窗射入，在大理石上溅起财富般的光芒。我祖母把窗户开了一条缝，湿润的春天气息便悄无声息地溜了进来。

I stand at the edge of her claw-foot bathtub, its rim up to my naked chest, her glasses in my hand. I pull the stems into my fist and rake the lenses through the water, mesmerized by the ripples. 我站在她爪形浴缸的边缘，浴缸边缘高及我的裸露胸膛，手里拿着她的眼镜。我把镜腿攥进手里，用镜片在水中划动，被涟漪迷住了。

She stands in the other room, undressing. I can see her age-mottled back in the mirror, skin discolored and papery over muscles straight and strong. 她站在另一间屋子里，正在脱衣服。我能在镜子中看到她岁月斑驳的背部，皮肤在笔直而强健的肌肉上显得有些发黄，像纸一样。

She ties up her hair and sings. 她盘起头发，唱歌。

Since Adrianna Fang died last year, I’m the oldest one left. I’m supposed to feel sad and alone, maybe, or at least the chill of my looming mortality, but I don’t feel that way at all. Instead, I feel wonderfully unmoored. 自从方艾德里安娜去年去世后，我就成了剩下的人里最年长的一个。我本该感到悲伤和孤独，也许，或者至少感受到我迫在眉睫的死亡的寒意，但我完全没这种感觉。相反，我感到无比的自在。

I am now the only person in the colony of Isla who has any direct memories of Earth. This means that I can abuse this position at my pleasure and tell them all kinds of bullshit stories they have no way of disputing. It’s my way of getting back at them for the way they treat me now: like some kind of minor god rather than a human being. 现在，在伊斯拉殖民地，我是唯一一个对地球有直接记忆的人。这意味着我可以随心所欲地利用这个地位，给他们讲各种他们无法反驳的废话故事。这是我报复他们的方式，报复他们现在对待我的方式：把我当作某种小神，而不是一个人类。

It’s my own fault, I guess. It’s what I get for being lucky. Someone like me, who goes outside three or four times a week, ought to have died from cancer by age thirty-five. “Your mutational load is astounding, Marie,” Dr. Davies always tells me, but I have yet to get sick. 这大概是我的错。这是我运气好的代价。像我这样的人，每周出去三四次，到了三十五岁早就该死于癌症了。“你的突变负荷令人惊叹，玛丽，”戴维斯医生总是这样告诉我，但我至今还没有生病。

I didn’t know I’d stay this lucky, either. I’ve been going outside that often ever since the Rex touched down—before we knew the surveyor probe had made a terrible mistake, and before we realized what this parched atmosphere would do to us. And I kept going outside even after we did know. By then, both Sadie and I had fallen in love with Quányuán’s ferocious desolation, and I figured, well, I’ve got to die sometime, and if I am to die, let it be because I held hands and took nature walks with her. 我不知道自己会这么幸运。自从雷克斯号降落以来，我一直经常到外面去——在我们知道探测器的探测出现了可怕的错误之前，在我们意识到这片干旱的大气层会对我们造成什么影响之前。而且，即使在我们知道之后，我仍然继续到外面去。那时，萨迪和我都爱上了全元的凶猛荒凉，我想，好吧，我总得死一次，如果我非死不可，那就让我因为和她手牵手、一起在自然中散步而死去。

When Sadie died, I petitioned the coroner’s office for a cremation. She was Earth-born, too, I argued, and people on Earth don’t recycle the corpses of their loved ones for biomass. But my petition was denied. Her remains were integrated into the community food supply, and now even that pompous asshole Gilberto has part of her inside of him in some way, which I can’t bear to think about. 当萨迪去世时，我向验尸官办公室申请火化。她也是地球出生的，我争辩道，地球上的人们不会将亲人的遗体回收用于生物质。但我的申请被拒绝了。她的遗骸被整合进了社区食物供应，现在就连那个傲慢的混蛋吉尔贝托也在某种程度上有她的一部分，这让我无法忍受去想。

So when I next went outside, after her remains became thoroughly intermingled with my own chemical compounds, I peed on a rock. Now some of Sadie’s chloride will remain in the wilds of Quányuán, even if her ashes won’t. 所以当我下一次出门时，在她遗骸彻底融入我自己的化学物质之后，我在一块石头上撒了尿。现在，即使她的骨灰不会留在野外，萨迪的一些氯化物仍会留在全原的荒野中。

Unauthorized atmospheric release of water. They gave me a big fine for that one. 未经授权的空气释放水。他们给我开了一张巨额罚单。

There’s a girl in Isla named Lian. She’s spontaneous, courageous, and kind, and she reminds me so much of Sadie, it makes my heart both ache and sing. I like to imagine a future time when someone will fall for Lian, and she for them, because then something like Sadie and me will be back in the world. 在伊斯拉有个女孩叫莲。她随性、勇敢、善良，她让我想起了萨迪，这让我既心痛又歌唱。我喜欢想象一个未来的时刻，有人会爱上莲，而她也爱他们，因为那样，像萨迪和我这样的人就会重新回到这个世界。

Lian listens to my lies about Earth sometimes. But she isn’t intimidated by my age or position. Most people, when they’re around me and the subject of water comes up, will pause, secretly hoping I’ll offer some revealing anecdote but lacking the nerve to ask. But not Lian. She comes right out with it. “What was Earth like?” 莲有时会听我讲地球的谎言。但她并不因我的年龄或地位而畏惧。大多数人在我身边，当话题转到水时，都会停顿，暗中希望我能讲些引人入胜的轶事，却又缺乏勇气询问。但莲不是这样。她直言不讳。“地球是什么样子的？”

Her directness surprises me out of lying. “Er. Well. The footage pretty much covers it, actually.” 她的直率让我从躺着的状态中惊醒。“呃。嗯。实际上录像基本上就涵盖了所有内容。”

“That’s not what I meant.” “我不是那个意思。”

“Mmm,” I agree. “Videos aren’t the same.” I look out the window. I was sitting alone and reading in Lounge Four until Lian came in and politely asked to join me. I could tell she’d sought me out specifically, since nobody else likes to come to Lounge Four to hang out. The room faces the plain instead of the mountains, and the view is nothing but a sea of rock-studded dust for miles and miles. “Let’s see. You’re, what, sixteen?” “嗯，”我同意。“视频和现实不一样。”我望向窗外。我独自一人坐在四号休息室里看书，直到涟进来礼貌地邀请我一起。我能看出她特意来找我的，因为没有人喜欢来四号休息室闲逛。这个房间面对的是平原而不是山脉，视野只是一片长满岩石的尘埃，绵延数英里。“那么。你，多少岁？”

“Yes.” “是的。”

“So that means you did your internship working in the greenhouses last year, is that right?” “所以这意味着你去年在温室里实习，对吧？”

“Yes.” “是的。”

“So you know the smell of soil.” I clear my throat. “Well, Earth was like putting your nose into fresh-watered greenhouse dirt.” “那你闻过泥土的气味。”我清了清嗓子。“嗯，地球就像把鼻子埋进刚浇过水的温室泥土里。”

Lian closes her eyes, imagining. 连闭上眼睛，想象着。

“That dirt smell was everywhere. The whole planet was wet. The oceans tasted like tears, and standing under a waterfall wasn’t like taking a shower. It felt like rocks getting dumped on your head.” Lian laughs. My real stories about Earth are stupid, nothing but a bunch of disjointed details. But Lian nods for me to keep going, so I do. 那种泥土的气味无处不在。整个星球都湿漉漉的。海洋尝起来像泪水，站在瀑布下感觉不像冲澡，倒像是石头砸在头上。”连笑了。我关于地球的真实故事很傻，不过是些零散的细节。但连点点头让我继续，我就继续了。

“You could take walks every day, for as long as you wanted, and never worry. That’s what I miss the most. I lived on the edge of a forest, and my father and I would go walking there, every Sunday morning. He’d tell me all about Earth and all about the stars. It’s part of the same universe, he liked to say, so every part is beautiful and worth knowing about.” “你可以每天散步，想走多久就走多久，而且不用担心。我最想念的就是这个。我住在森林边缘，每个星期天早上，我和父亲都会去那里散步。他会给我讲关于地球的一切，还有关于星星的一切。他说这是同一个宇宙的一部分，所以每一部分都是美丽的，值得去了解。”

Lian nods, her eyes still closed. 连点了点头，眼睛仍然闭着。

My chest aches for her. Lian will never walk in a forest, not with anyone. “That’s how I got to Quányuán. You had to be eighteen to sign up for the colony ship, unless you came with a parent. My father was one of the engineers who designed the Rex, and the government asked him to go. I could’ve stayed on Earth with my grandmother, but I wouldn’t let him leave without me. I was nine years old.” I shift in my seat, but it’s not that kind of discomfort. “Sorry. I’m rambling. You asked about Earth, not me.” 我的心为她和解。连永远不会走进森林，也不会和任何人一起走进森林。“这就是我来到全元的原因。要登上殖民飞船，你必须年满十八岁，除非你跟随父母一同前往。我父亲是设计雷克斯号飞船的工程师之一，政府征召他前往。我本可以和祖母留在地球上，但我不会让他没有我离开。那时我九岁。”我在座位上挪动了一下，但这并非那种不适。“抱歉。我跑题了。你问的是地球，不是我。”

Lian opens her eyes and smiles. 连睁开眼睛，笑了笑。

“Why are you even asking me? Is this for some kind of school project?” “你为什么要问我？这是为了某个学校项目吗？”

“No,” says Lian. “I just wanted to talk to you. About stuff. Like—I was wondering.” She looks out the window again. “I’ve never . . . I mean how do you . . . do you just go outside?” “不，”连说。“我只是想和你谈谈。关于一些事情。比如——我在想。”她再次看向窗外。“我从来没有……我的意思是，你怎么……你只是能直接出去吗？”

I don’t know what she’s asking. “On Earth? Sure. Almost every building is freestanding, and they all have doors that go directly outside. So you—” 我不知道她在问什么。“在地球上？当然。几乎每个建筑都是独立的，而且它们都有直接通往室外的门。所以你——”

“No,” she says. “I mean if I wanted to go outside here. Would I just—do it like you?” “不，”她说。“我的意思是，如果我想从这里出去。我会直接——像你那样做吗？”

I stare at her. A goofy grin unrolls across her face, revealing gaps in her teeth. Her expression is raw with excitement. “You just . . . go. When you do it. Right?” 我盯着她。她脸上咧开一个傻乎乎的笑容，露出了牙齿的缝隙。她的表情充满了兴奋。“你……就……去。当你去的时候。对吧？”

I open my mouth. I’ve never been a mom, but a mom-like tirade comes to mind: You can’t just go, you have to save up some money, you have to pay the fee and file for a permit, you have to cover every inch of skin with two rounds of sunscreen, you have to wear long pants and long sleeves and a special hat, and even though I don’t wear gloves, I’m an idiot, so you shouldn’t do what I do. And even I still have to wear a water pack and keep the end of the hose in my mouth so I can sip from it continuously the entire time I’m out there, because while I am an idiot, I don’t have a death wish. 我张开了嘴。我从来没有当过妈妈，但一个妈妈式的训斥突然浮现在脑海：你不能随便去，你必须攒点钱，你必须交费并申请许可证，你必须用两轮防晒霜覆盖全身每一寸皮肤，你必须穿长裤和长袖衣服，还要戴一顶特殊的帽子，即使我不戴手套，我也是个傻瓜，所以你不应该做我所做的事情。而且即使我仍然需要戴一个水袋，并一直把水管口含在嘴里，以便在我在外面的时候可以不断啜饮，因为虽然我是傻瓜，但我没有求死的念头。

But I say none of this. 但我什么也没说。

Lian turns shy. “I want to know what Quányuán smells like. And I want to feel wind.” 连变得害羞。“我想知道全元是什么味道。我还想感受风。”

My chest aches again. “Quányuán smells like rock and heat. And wind just feels like a fan.” 我的胸又疼了。“全元的味道像岩石和热。风只是像风扇。”

“Stories are better than video footage,” says Lian. She looks down at her hands and picks at a hangnail. “But they aren’t the same, either.” “故事比视频画面好，”连说。她低头看着自己的手，抠着指甲边缘。“但它们也不一样。”

I remember myself at her age, when Sadie and I once pressed our faces against an east-facing window, watching the xenogeologists take soil samples in search of the permafrost and water-rich aquifers our survey probe was so very wrong about. Their newest devil-may-care game was taking off their exosuit helmets to pull in deep lungfuls of alien air. My cheeks grew wet, and when Sadie asked what was wrong, all I could say was, The woods, my woods, I want to go outside and walk in the woods. 我想起她那个年纪的自己，那时我和萨迪曾经把脸贴在一扇朝东的窗户上，看着异星地质学家采集土壤样本，寻找我们探测仪完全搞错的永久冻土和富含水的含水层。他们最新那套不管不顾的游戏是脱下外骨骼头盔，深深吸入外星空气。我的脸颊湿润了，当萨迪问我怎么了的时候，我只能说，树林，我的树林，我想出去在树林里散步。

Does Lian dream of trees? 连梦见过树木吗？

My throat is dry, as if I’ve just played a round of the xenogeologists’ game. “Listen,” I say. “If you’ve never been outside before without an exosuit, it’s probably smart if you go with a partner.” 我的喉咙干涩，仿佛刚玩了一局异星地质学家游戏。“听着，”我说，“如果你以前从未没有外骨骼服就外出过，最好找个伴一起。”

Lian looks up, her face hopeful and eager. 连抬头看，脸上满是希望和急切。

Twelve days later, Lian and I stand together in Airlock Twenty-Three, our water tubes ready in our mouths. Her greasy bare hand is entwined in mine, and my fingers tingle with somebody’s pulse. 十二天后，连和我一起站在二十三号气闸室里，嘴里准备好水管。她油腻的赤裸双手缠绕着我的手，我的指尖因某人的脉搏而发麻。

It becomes a regular thing. 这成了常事。

“Isn’t it heartwarming?” “Isn’t it cute?” “That poor woman—she never had any children, you know, and isn’t it just so nice of Lian to keep her company?” “难道不让人感到温暖吗？” “难道不觉得可爱吗？” “那个可怜的女人——你知道她从没生过孩子，而且莲陪她聊天，难道不是很好吗？”

The gossips in Isla don’t know. Fools. Once again, I’m lucky. If I were fifty years younger—but I’m not. All they see is a lonely old lady and a child who never knew her grandmother. Well, that’s okay, because that’s true, too. 艾斯拉的闲言碎语中的人不知道。傻瓜。我再次幸运。如果我年轻五十岁——但我不是。他们看到的只是一个孤独的老太太和一个从不知道祖母的孩子。好吧，那也行，因为那也是真的。

I show her around. The Four Brothers (rock formation), Little Mountain (big rock formation), the Dais (rock formation you can climb on). There isn’t much “around” to show, really, without an exosuit. You can only walk so far in five minutes. 我带她四处看看。四兄弟（岩石地貌），小山（大岩石地貌），花坛（可以爬上去的岩石地貌）。其实并没有多少“周围”可以展示，如果没有外骨骼服的话。五分钟内你只能走这么远。

Mostly we sit and look, sipping water between occasional sentences. Lian plays in the dust like a toddler, and sometimes, I join her. We roll pebbles across the Dais. We stack up rocks in the Graveyard, where many walkers, including my past selves, have made rock towers. I point out the ones that Sadie made. Quányuán has no storms to topple them. “This is a game from Earth,” I say, from around my water tube. “I used to make these with my father.” 我们大多时候坐着看，偶尔说几句间或喝口水。连在尘土里像幼儿一样玩耍，有时我也加入她。我们在石阶上滚圆石。我们在墓园里堆石头，许多过客，包括我的过去自我，都曾在这里堆成石塔。我指出其中几座是萨迪堆的。全元没有风暴能把它们推倒。“这是一个来自地球的游戏，”我说着，围着我的水管，“我以前和父亲一起做这些。”

When three hundred seconds elapse, the issued alarms on our wrists beep, and it’s time to go back. Alone in our rooms, we recover from dehydration, coping with headaches, irritability, and exhaustion. Dr. Davies warns me that I’m way too old for this. Under the guise of argument, I tell her a long and passionate lie about hiking the Appalachian Trail at age fifteen with nothing but a buck knife, a compass, and a half-liter water bottle, but the art is lost on her. Nobody on Quányuán remembers Appalachia. 过了三百秒，我们手腕上的警报器发出哔哔声，该回去了。独自在房间里，我们恢复脱水状态，忍受头痛、易怒和疲惫。戴维斯博士警告我我太老了，不适合这个。我以争论为借口，对她编造了一个漫长而充满激情的谎言，说十五岁时背着一把弯刀、指南针和半升水瓶徒步阿巴拉契亚山脉，但她不懂其中的艺术。全元上没有人记得阿巴拉契亚山脉。

One day, Lian and I sit on a rock and look north. We’re by Airlock Twenty-One, which is next to the middle school. A handful of kids are crammed against the windows and snickering at us, but I’ll get back at them when the school asks me to speak there on History Day. “I’ve switched my career track,” says Lian. 一天，我和连坐在一块石头上朝北看。我们就在 21 号气闸旁边，紧挨着中学。几个孩子挤在窗户边，冲我们窃笑，但我等学校在历史日请我发言时，会报复他们的。“我转专业了，”连说。

“Hmm?” “嗯？”

“I’m going to be a miner.” “我要当矿工。”

I smile. “How exciting.” 我微笑着。“太令人兴奋了。”

“Thank god somebody thinks so.” Lian sips her water. “My mom says it’s a waste of my talent.” “谢天谢地，总有人这么想。”连小口喝着水。“我妈妈说这是对我才能的浪费。”

“Your mom would do well to remember that if it weren’t for the miners, we’d all be dead.” “你妈妈要是能记住这一点就好了，要不是有矿工，我们早就死了。”

“I know, right?” Lian squints north, as if she can see across twenty miles of nothing to the entrance to the nearest ice mine. “And they need people now more than ever. Did you hear about the—” “我知道吧？”连眯起眼睛望向北方，仿佛能穿过二十英里虚无，看到最近那座冰矿的入口。“他们现在比任何时候都更需要人手。你听说那件事了吗——”

I wave my hand to both acknowledge and silence. Fifty years of news stories about another depleted subsurface ice vein and everyone on Quányuán someday dying of thirst get tiresome. “You’ll make a great miner,” I say. “And with an exosuit on, you’ll get to stay outside for hours.” 我挥手示意，既表示认同也示意安静。五十年关于另一条枯竭的地下冰脉的新闻报道，以及所有人都将在全元大陆某天渴死的说法，让人感到厌倦。“你会成为一名出色的矿工，”我说，“而且穿上外骨骼服，你可以在外面待上好几个小时。”

Lian nods and sips. “Have you done it? Taken walks around here in an exosuit? The permit’s much cheaper.” 连点点头，小口喝着东西。“你试过吗？穿着外骨骼服在这里散步？许可证要便宜得多。”

“I know. And I did, for a while, in the beginning.” I sip, too. “But not for a long time now. It’s not the same.” “我知道。一开始，我确实这样过，持续了一段时间。”我也小啜了一口。“但现在不是了。不一样了。”

Lian smiles around her tube. She reaches down and scoops up a handful of fine, powdery dust. It floats through her fingers like a cloud, staining her palms and making us both laugh and cough by turns. “Not the same at all,” she agrees. 她围着自己的管子微笑。她弯下腰，捧起一把细小的粉末。粉末在她手指间飘浮，像一团云，弄脏了她的手掌，让我们时而笑，时而咳嗽。“完全不一样，”她同意道。

On my next visit to Dr. Davies, a routine follow-up for some labs, she folds her hands and gives me the Look. It’s a funny kind of relief to finally receive it, after waiting so long. 在我下次去看戴维斯医生时，进行一些常规的实验室检查，她双手合十，给了我那个眼神。等了这么久，终于收到这个眼神，感觉有种奇特的解脱。

The cancer has come at last. 癌症终于来了。

Damn. 该死。

I talk about it at length with Sadie’s nonexistent ghost that night, before we fall asleep. I’m troubled. For over a decade, we had it all planned out: assuming it was cancer, I’d go outside for one final walk, lie down by Sadie’s tallest rock tower (and her chloride), and die a fitting and deliciously romantic death. 那天晚上，在我们入睡之前，我和萨迪那个不存在的鬼魂长谈了一番。我感到困扰。十多年来，我们一直有周密的计划：假设是癌症，我会到外面做最后一次散步，躺在萨迪最高的岩石塔（和她的氯化物）旁边，以一个恰当又浪漫的方式死去。

But lovestruck notions, while heady, are delicate. The littlest whiff of reality pops them. In my mind, Sadie’s voice points out that, as soon as my wrist alarm went off and failed to show me moving on a homeward trajectory, the Office of Exodus would dispatch a rescue team, and that would be the end of my dramatic gesture. 但一见钟情式的想法，虽然令人兴奋，却很脆弱。现实的风吹草动就能让它们破灭。在我心里，萨迪的声音指出，一旦我的腕式警报器响起却显示我没有向回家方向移动，”出埃及办公室”就会派救援队来，而那将是我戏剧性姿态的终结。

And then there’s the matter of my nutrient-rich biomass. I’m not as sentimental as I once was, and if I went outside to die, I’d be depriving a number of living people (whom I might not like very much—but that’s beside the point) of my body’s minerals. I’m no heroic ice-miner-to-be, like Lian, and if I’m honest with myself, I haven’t done very much for Isla, either. When I worked, I was a clerk in the city records department; now that I don’t, I tell lies about a planet we cannot return to. The least I can do is not rob my brethren of my literal pound of flesh. 然后还有我的富含营养的生物量的问题。我不再像从前那样多愁善感了，如果我到外面去死，我会剥夺许多活着的人（我可能并不太喜欢他们——但那不是重点）的身体中的矿物质。我可不是像连那样的英雄冰矿工，如果对自己诚实的话，我也没为艾莎做过多少事。我工作的时候，是市档案部门的文员；现在我不工作了，我就编造关于一个我们无法回归的星球的故事。我至少可以做到不掠夺我的同胞们我身体里实实在在的一磅肉。

Sadie says it doesn’t matter how I die, because she’ll be with me wherever I go. 萨迪说，我如何死去并不重要，因为无论我走到哪里，她都会陪伴着我。

I tell her I’m glad. 我告诉她我很高兴。

When she binds up her hair and sings, my grandmother’s voice is clear. Years later, when I recall my childhood on Earth in a jumble of steaming bathwater and golden light, I’ll remember, too, the clarity of her voice, clean and hot like water, deep and pure like water. I swear to god, I’ll go swimming in the north Atlantic at age nine with my cousins, the summer before my father and I board the Rex, and when I look down through that green-glass sea right to the bottom, I will think of her. 当她盘起头发唱歌时，我祖母的声音是那么清晰。多年后，当我混乱地回忆起在地球上的童年——那冒着热气的浴室和金色的光芒——我也会记得她声音的清晰，像水一样纯净滚烫，像水一样深邃纯净。我向上帝发誓，九岁时，我和表兄弟姐妹们在北大西洋游泳，那是父亲和我登上雷克斯号之前的那个夏天，当我透过那片绿玻璃般的海水一直看到海底时，我会想起她。

Earth is wet. The whole planet is wet, and the oceans taste of tears. 地球是湿的。整个星球都是湿的，海洋里尝得到泪水。

“I’m dying,” I say. “我快死了，”我说。

Lian and I are inside, for once, sitting in Greenhouse Eight. The smells of plants envelop us. It’s night, and up above, past whatever complicated synthetic comprises the ceiling, blaze the stars. With no clouds to soften the blow, the night sky of Quányuán is frightening in its intensity and color. 连和我这次，我们坐在第八号温室里。植物的香气将我们包围。夜幕降临，透过由复杂合成材料构成的屋顶，星星在闪烁。没有云彩的柔和，全元星的夜空以其强烈和绚丽的色彩令人恐惧。

Lian looks at her lap. Her hair falls forward, and I cannot see her face. 连看着她的膝盖。她的头发垂下来，我看不到她的脸。

“I’m sorry,” I say. “对不起，”我说。

She nods. Her chest moves quickly. “Cancer,” she says. 她点了点头。她的胸膛快速起伏。“癌症，”她说。

“I’m not surprised, either.” “我也不意外。”

Her fists clench and unclench. For a long time, neither of us speaks. I get the grim and heavy feeling that I’ve dicked this up, but how else was I supposed to say it? 她的拳头紧握又松开。很长一段时间里，我们谁都没有说话。我感到一种沉重而压抑的感觉，好像我搞砸了，但我又能怎么说呢？

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I mean—I thought you should know. Since you’ve . . . since you’re my friend.” For a moment I feel small and oddly ashamed. Friends with a child? Marie, what are you even doing? “对不起。我不是故意要让你不高兴的。我是说——我以为你应该知道。既然你……既然你是我的朋友。”那一刻，我感到自己渺小而奇怪地羞愧。和一个孩子做朋友？玛丽，你到底在做什么？

Then one of her clenching hands grabs mine. Away from sterile Quányuán, her fingers are smooth and firm. Mine must feel so revoltingly old to her—fragile and cool, the way my grandmother’s used to feel—but Lian hangs on. 然后她紧握的手抓住了我的。从无菌的全面，她的手指光滑而坚定。我的手一定让她觉得无比厌恶——脆弱而冰凉，就像我祖母的手那样——但连紧抓着不放。

“You’re my friend, too,” she cries. “你也是我的朋友，”她哭道。

I feel even worse. 我感觉更糟了。

“This is my fault. If I hadn’t found you and asked you about going outside—” “这是我的错。如果我没有找到你，问你出去的事——”

“No no. No no no no. I would’ve kept going out. You know that. Hell, I’m worried about you, going outside so often, so young.” “不不。不不不不。我会继续出去的。你知道的。天哪，我担心你，这么年轻就经常出去。”

She wipes her eyes. “I have every right—” 她擦了擦眼睛。“我有完全的权力——”

“Then so do I. I knew the risks, I went outside, and here we are. That’s life.” “那我也一样。我知道风险，我走出了外面，现在我们在这里了。这就是生活。”

Lian sniffles and does a terrible job of controlling herself. Sadie says, I love you, but you’re being a selfish old crab right now. About what? I demand, but Sadie only makes that little hissing noise between her teeth. 莉安吸了吸鼻子，控制得非常差。萨迪说，我爱你，但你现在是个自私的老螃蟹。关于什么？我质问，但萨迪只是在她牙齿间发出小小的嘶嘶声。

“Listen. Lian. Don’t. It’ll be fine. Look at me. I’m happy. I got to have plenty of wind and sunshine, and I’ve seen sunrises and I’ve watched the stars come out, and most people in Isla can’t say that. It’s been a good life. I’ve no regrets. Okay, I do regret that I can’t have a spectacular death outside by Sadie’s Tower, but if that’s the only thing wrong, then I can’t complain.” “听着。莉安。别。会没事的。看着我。我很快乐。我有很多风和阳光，我见过日出，我看过星星出现，而伊斯拉的大多数人都不可能这么说。这是一段好的人生。我没有遗憾。好吧，我确实后悔不能在萨迪塔外死得壮丽，但如果这是唯一的问题，那我也不能抱怨了。”

Lian still won’t look at me. “Can we go outside one last time?” 连仍然不肯看我。“我们还能最后一次出去吗？”

“Until I’m a pile of bones, my dear, we can go outside as many times as you wish.” “直到我变成一堆枯骨，我亲爱的，你想出去多少次都可以。”

We sit in the Graveyard, facing each other. The rock towers glow, shadowless, from the everywhere-illumination of Quányuán’s night sky. I’m reminded of sitting at the bottom of my cousins’ swimming pool, our legs crossed as we faced each other in pairs, miming sipping from teacups with our pinkies extended. Having a tea party, we called it. Try to make the other person laugh and force them to surface for air before you do. 我们坐在墓园里，彼此相对。岩石高耸，在全景的夜空中无影无踪地发光。我想起了坐在表兄弟姐妹的游泳池底，我们双腿交叉，成对相对，模仿用小指伸出来喝茶的样子。我们称之为茶会。试着让对方发笑，并在你之前逼他们浮出水面呼吸。

Lian looks at her alarm. We have 272 seconds. 莲看了看她的闹钟。我们还有 272 秒。

“I guess this is the closest thing Quányuán has to a forest,” says Lian. “Or at least, the closest thing there is to a forest around here.” “我想这是全景附近最接近森林的东西，”莲说。“或者至少，这是附近最接近森林的东西。”

I smile. “Thank you.” 我微笑着。“谢谢你。”

“I mean—” “我是说——”

“I know.” “我知道。”

Sadie leans over to see past my shoulder and through the little sprouts of rock, as though checking to see we weren’t followed out of the airlock. “Are you ready?” Lian asks. 萨迪俯身，从我肩头探看过去，穿过那些小小的岩石芽，仿佛在确认我们是否被从气闸中跟踪了出来。“准备好了吗？”连问道。

“Hmm?” “嗯？”

She sits back. Her face is very serious, even when she puckers her lips to sip on her water tube. “If you were to die right now. Would you be ready?” 她向后靠去。她的表情非常严肃，即使她撅起嘴唇喝着水袋里的水。“如果你现在死了。你会准备好吗？”

Now I’m the one looking around. “What? Here? Tonight?” 现在轮到我环顾四周。“什么？这里？今晚？”

Lian looks uncomfortable. She nods. 连看起来很不舒服。她点了点头。

“Well, sure,” I say. “It would be as good a time as any, I suppose. Why do you ask?” “嗯，当然，”我说。“我想任何时间都一样好。你为什么这么问？”

She holds out her hand. “Give me your alarm.” 她伸出手。“把你的闹钟给我。”

The request seems so banal. I remove it and hand it over, as if she’s asked to inspect a piece of costume jewelry. I’m not sure what’s happening. “What are you doing?” 这个要求听起来如此平庸。我把它拿下来递给她，就像她要检查一件戏服首饰一样。我不确定发生了什么。“你在做什么？”

“I’ll take it inside with me,” she says. “I’ll spend a long time in the airlock, as if we’re standing there talking. By the time I come inside and check in with the Exodus desk . . .” She looks away. “我要把它带进舱里，”她说。“我会花很长时间在气闸里，好像我们站在那里谈话一样。等我进来并在 Exodus 柜台报到的时候……”她移开了目光。

I open my mouth, then close it swiftly around my drinking tube to prevent all that moisture from being sucked away. “Lian—” 我张开嘴，迅速将吸水管含住，防止所有的水分都被吸走。“连—”

“I’ve thought about it,” she says stubbornly. “They won’t do anything to me. They need miners too badly, and you’re old and sick, and I think everyone would secretly be happy if they heard you got to die outside. She died doing what she loved. You know that’s what they’ll say.” “我考虑过了，”她固执地说，“他们不会对我怎么样。他们太需要矿工了，而你又老又病，我想如果他们听说你死在外面，每个人都会暗自高兴。她死于她所热爱的事业。你知道他们会这么说的。”

I don’t want to argue. I feel like I have to. “My biomass—” 我不想争论。但我感觉必须争辩。“我的生物质——”

“—will get picked up later by a rescue squad, so what does it matter?” “——之后会被救援队捡走，这有什么关系？”

I fall silent. I sip at my water tube. 我沉默了。我啜饮着水袋里的水。

Lian stands, surfacing for air. 连站起来，浮出水面呼吸。

I look at her, so smooth and beautiful under the fierce light, my wrist alarm in one clenched hand. Her face melts. “Thank you, Marie,” she whispers. 我看着她，在刺眼的光线下如此光滑美丽，手腕上的警报器握在紧握的拳头里。她的脸融化。“谢谢你，玛丽，”她低语。

“Thank you, Lian,” I say. “谢谢你，连，”我说。

“I’ll miss you.” “我会想念你的。”

I almost say Me, too, but in a few moments, I won’t be able to miss anything. Not even Sadie. So I just say, “It was a privilege to know you.” 我差点想说“我也是”，但几分钟后，我将无暇想念任何事，甚至连萨迪都不行。所以我只是说：“认识你是一种荣幸。”

She nods. 她点了点头。

Her alarm chirps. Mine chimes in. She turns and moves back to the airlock, so very slowly, weaving in and out among the knee-high towers, as if they really were stupendous trees, each trunk a new horizon. 她的闹钟发出“嘀嘀”声。我的钟也响了起来。她转身慢慢回到气闸舱，穿梭在膝盖高的塔楼之间，仿佛它们真的是巨大的树木，每一棵树干都是一个新的地平线。

The airlock yawns open. Gold light splashes over the wasteland. Is swallowed. 气闸门洞开。金色的光芒泼洒在荒原上。被吞噬。

Alone in my forest, under Sadie’s tree, I remove the water pack from my back. There’s still about one third left. I hold it above my head with one hand, then I yank out the drinking tube with the other. 独自在森林里，在萨迪的树下，我取下背上的水袋。还剩大约三分之一。我单手将水袋举过头顶，另一只手拔出饮水管。

I tip my face up to the rain. 我仰起脸，迎接雨水的洗礼。