关于无性恋和恋爱关系的反思
最近在读Angela Chen的Ace这本书，里面有一章专门讲的是恋爱关系对于性的期待，以及无性恋因为这种约定俗成的期待无法拒绝性的痛苦。真的是……感同身受。
我发现自己压抑了很多与过去的性经历有关的回忆。现在想来，过去的我就很不喜欢一些性活动，但我也认为自己“没有理由拒绝”，因为理应满足恋人的生理需求。再加上我习惯把别人的需求置于自己的需求之上，所以很自然而然地去这么做了。
可能恋爱关系让我窒息的一大原因是它有太多社会预期，而这些预期很多都不适用于我。比如，情侣就应该经常上床，就应该同居、结婚、生育，过二人捆绑的一生、这辈子都不能对别人动心。因为恋爱的脚本已经被写好，我又不知道怎么去摸索和沟通自己的边界，也没有语言去表达自己抗拒的部分，导致我在恋爱关系中非常压抑，经常感觉喘不过气。就好像一个在慢慢沉入海里的人，我知道这种状态很不对头，但我发现自己发不出声音去求救，那是一种很恐怖的状态。
Angela Chen在书里说，大众对于consent（性同意）的讨论其实都基于一个错误的预设：
sex with strangers is never necessary, but sex in relationships is a requirement. [1]
这直接影响了我们对于coercion（强迫）的讨论。但其实，强迫可以是“爱对方就要和对方做爱”这种观点，被强迫的感觉可能是不想和伴侣做爱又找不到“好的理由”拒绝，所以只能找各种借口来回避对方。是感觉到内疚、羞耻、和愤怒——为同意做爱而羞耻，为不知道可以拒绝而生气，为自己的不坚定和不拒绝而羞耻等等。
So coercion looks like being told that you would have sex if you really loved someone. It feels like being afraid to see your partner because you don't want to keep denying them sex. It feels like, as activist Queenie of Aces writes, making a list of all the reasons you shouldn't have sex now (not old enough, haven't been dating long enough, birth control access could be a problem) but never knowing that the real reason—that you don't want to is the only one you need. It feels like wishing that you were religious so you could at least use religious celibacy as an excuse. It feels like being hurt by having to have sex and learning that you shouldn't have had to have it because there's nothing wrong with not wanting sex ever—and looking back and revoking consent, in your own mind if nowhere else. Guilt and shame and anger: Shame at saying yes, anger at not knowing you didn't have to say yes, shame at not standing your ground and saying no, anger at partners for not telling you to say no, guilt at being angry because no one knew better. [2]
这就是为什么无性恋科普和无性恋这个标签本身是有意义的。它提供了另一种可能性，并给这个群体一种语言去表达自己，同时让大家认识到自己并没有什么不正常。生活不一定需要性关系，恋爱也未必需要；没有性吸引也没关系，我们是完整的。
[1] [2] 都来自于Angela Chen的Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex这本书，137-138页。